Body Image Test

When I was pregnant I felt proud of my body. I loved my body because it was doing something amazing. It also looked exactly how it should.

For the first time in years I had one tummy instead of three. It was firm. Yes, big but firm. I relished the feeling. And enjoyed the freedom of not fretting over whether friends would be repulsed by the shape of my muffin top rippling through my T-shirt. I felt liberated.

In comparison with my big bump, my thighs and bum looked smaller. I felt good. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I loved my body.

Nearly three months on and the familiar feelings of body loathing are creeping back. This time, I'm determined not to let them get the upper hand again. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love my body, whatever shape it's in. I want a better body image.

I do want to firm up and lose weight, but I have pretty much always had that goal and have rarely achieved it. When I have achieved it I usually didn't realise it. Like many women, I look back on photos of me in my teens and early twenties and can't understand why I hated my appearance so much. How could I have thought my thighs were fat and misshapen when I was clearly a size 8 and had an enviable figure?

Maybe in ten years' time I'll look back on photos of me now with the same incredulity and realise that I looked pretty good. But what I would really love is to look at photos of me taken last week and realise I look pretty good. And look at myself in the mirror and love what I see.

Is this even possible without losing a few stone first or getting pregnant again? I think it's time to find out.

I realise I owe it to myself to focus on getting a better body image. The first step is admitting I have a rubbish body image. A suspicion that's always been in the back of my mind. But surely all women obsess about their weight, their size, their attractiveness or lack thereof? Isn't that just part and parcel of being a woman?

If it is, I want to buck the trend and do everything I can to love myself the way I am. That doesn't preclude trying to be healthier and slimmer too but I think that will happen naturally as I learn to love my body.

So, just how bad is my body image? I did this body image test to find out and was surprised to say the least. The test is compiled by Deanne Jade, Principal of The National Centre of Eating Disorders. Doing the test made me acutely aware of how uncomfortable I feel about my appearance the majority of the time. Thing is, it's usually low volume mental chatter and goes under the radar a lot of the time. I dislike my appearance but largely ignore the fact that I do. I criticise the way I look but pretend not to notice.

According to the test:

You are suffering from a condition called body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) which is translated as body hatred. This is not a reflection of how you actually look or how other people see you, because there are very many people who have physical handicap, or, who look different from the norm. But they do not feel this badly about themselves. Similarly there are people who look very normal in reality but they experience this sense of deep hostility toward the way they look. BDD and a damaged sense of self-esteem go hand in hand.

Blimey. I didn't think I was that bad. I mean, I've seen a documentary about a woman with BDD and I'm nowhere near that fucked up about my body image. I'm just average to slightly more than averagely paranoid about the way I look. Aren't I? I hope to find out...

On my quest for a better body image, I'd like to discover how other women feel about their bodies. How does your body image (good or bad) impact your life? Please leave a comment - anonymously if that's more comfortable for you. Or you can email me at annacolette@gmail.com